So you had a bad day...

Today was one of the days that I wished Alex could have been with me. It was just a bad day, full of tiresome work, disappointments, a little heartbreak, and a little agitation.

I lay here and wonder about my future. Marriage, children, jobs, homes...I've been in dreamland lately. I am always in a dreamland. When I hit reality, I get grumpy and convince myself to go back to ignoring it. Emotions---are they real? We can't touch them, they're uncontrollable, and not consistent. Maybe emotions are just excuses for the things we do.

It's amazing the stock we put on words to express our emotions. Dislike, hate, care, love, like...but if you ask someone to define them clearly, to draw a line between each one, it will never turn out the same. I've told guys I love them before. I've never said it to gain something or to trick them. I honestly believed I felt it. That extreme feeling of where you can't live without that person, the thought of it hurts, they're the reason you smile, dream, and try. For me, love is where you'd gladly throw yourself in front of a bullet to save them. Not because they'd do the same for you, but because a world without them is not a good world. Throughout the  years, I've added to that definition, and I believe I'm getting close. Or maybe they are just many different stages of love. I hate how guys can talk about marriage and forever and be so convincing, but not fully realise what they're doing to a girl. the hopes and dreams and fantasies they're creating just by saying the word "marriage". It's not fair. I hate how guys pull you in with sweet words describing how they feel and think about you, but after awhile, you wonder if it was true or if they were just trying to get you. Is it all a game?

Alex is asleep and would probably get aggravated if I tried to talk to him about all of this. Kayla's probably asleep by now, too, and I don't want to bring any new worries to her already stressed mind.I guess I'm just going to continue to lie in bed and ponder. How will you know when it's real? I'm genuine. I say what I feel and think. But I can't trust everyone else to be that way. At the end of the day, who can you really trust besides yourself?

CC