In 30 minutes, a good day can be undone....

I need to get out of this house. I need to get out. I can feel the stress level rising here, and everyday, it's something new that I've broken, messed up, or not done. I need to get out of here. Me and Dad haven't butted heads yet, but something is wrong. I don't know what I did, but I feel like there's something that I've missed. Maybe I hurt his feelings or his pride. Maybe I just annoyed him. He's not the only man in my life that's acting strange.

I'm a little confused and hurt right now. I just can't figure out this relationship thing. What I can say and not say, ask and not ask. Maybe I just should avoid situations that require me to ask and say things that might potentially affect things. Every relationship is different, with different boundaries and rules and I just don't know. I just don't know.

I wish I weren't so sensitive and scared. What happened to the I-don't-give-a-dern girl with the attitude? The one who would push her way to the front and demand to be first? Oh yeah, she was a creation of my imagination, someone I wanted to be, but never would. No, the normal Chelsea is right here. The one who needs constant reassurance, promise, and affection because she's so insecure. Thats right. I may ride a motorcylce and pretend to be tough, but I'm not. I'm your typical bookworm, too wrapped up in her romance novels to look up in the real world. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I'm giving up for the night. Maybe the pep-fairy will come tonight and give me some much needed spirit. I just don't feel all the great tonight.

CC

Update...a few days late?

Well, last week was exciting. I decided to move out of my house (or at least begin the process of), found a roommate (the lovely Meagan Jones), and helped work the House of Horror with Kosy Fire Dept. It was...interesting and exciting and confusing. I don't know where we're going to live. We've narrowed it down between Sherewood and Spruill, I think. I guess we're girls and we're never going to decide, but hey, I'm pumped and ready to move in with her. She's hilarious, fun, smart, and we mesh well.

The House of Horror was an interesting experience, to say the least. I didn't get bored and always had something to do or someone to talk to. I did have an awkward moment with some odd guy named Gabriel, of course when my boyfriend is no where to be found to rescue me.

Ever been hit on by someone you're not interested in, couldn't be, wouldn't be, no way ever gonna be? Yes, I am being shallow. Yes, he's a nice guy. But...not my type in the least. I did everything I could to get out of the situation-mentioned Alex a dozen times, changed the subject and talked to other people, pretended to get a phone call, tried to walk away, I even brought up pictures of Alex and was like, "He's my world.". Old dude didn't get the picture. So, I walked away hurriedly with a phone number and a feeling of guilt knowing I'd never call. But what was I supposed to do?

Anyway, more later. Peace outttt.

Chelsea Collins

Apartment Shopping

Welllll, the time has come for me to give up on me getting a barn, an airstream, or a Katrina Cottage and to just move back to Starkville. Back to the crazy bills, the stressful grocery shopping, and the occassional siren. And by occassional, I mean atleast once a week. Back to no curfew, no puppy, and no one cleaning up after me. Surprisingly, I'm not too sad over it. I mean, I am going to miss living with my mom and my dad. I love them so much, and we've gotten closer over the past year. But I need my own space. I need it.

So I looked for one bedroom apartments. Guess what? It's so expensive, it makes me sick. Sicker than the idea of having a roommate. I've had a bad experience, as one of my readers knows. Probably my one and only reader, because my stalker is being a slacker and doesn't check up on me much anymore. Maybe I should bad mouth him and then he'll check it out by ironic melodramaticism. Don't google that word. I'm not sure it exists.

So, in comes Meagan Jones. I met her through Alex's best friend Cassidy. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: My future roommate is my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend. Yeah, that about sums it up. She's a really cool chick, and we clicked the first time we met. She currently goes to MCC, but will be transfering to EMCC. We've been looking at two bedroom apartments...or really, I've been googling two bedrooms and texting her about them. So far I've found:

A four-bedroom, four-bath house in The Highlands with one resident looking for roomates for 400 a piece, including cable and internet. I liked it, but Meagan isn't too savvy on moving in with a stranger or living in the party-typical former golf course. Land of the fratastic. Baha.

A two-bedroom, one bath apartment at The Links. I love this place, because it is so quiet, pretty, and safe. Plus, my best friend, a few friends, and my uncle live there. It'll be about 330 a month, plus cable, garbage, water and electricity....I figured it'd end up being about 450 at the most.

A two-bedroom townhouse with Spurill Townhouses that has 1.5 bath. I've been inside one before and it's not too bad. I believe rent was 450 a month, but I'm not quite sure.

A two-bedroom, two bath trailer at Kountry Aire (Don't Ask!), but I'm not sure if it includes a washer and dryer, and I really can't afford to go out and buy a new washer and dryer and I'm not sure if you can rent one. And I am NOT dragging my clothes home to wash them. Guys can do that, but girls have to have access to a way to clean their stuff!

That's all for me lately. I'm just anxious about this apartment thing. I want a safe place with a good deal. *sigh*

Chelsea Leann

I looked at Crossgates, but those apartments are super expensive, too. It's pretty stressful trying to find a place....

On top of that, I'm in search of furniture. And I mean CHEAP furniture. Meagan has a couch, so we need a table and a coffee table and maybe a stand to go beside a couch? I guess it's time to go garage sale shopping! I'm pretty pumped, as you can tell. I haven't told my parents about me deciding to move in with another girl, because they're about as roommate shy as I am. We've had one or two bad experiences. But I just can't afford to live by myself and not live off of Ramen Noodles. I can't deal with that sodium intake. But, I think I will tell my mom first, because she'll soak up the information better. Then she'll tell my dad. And my dad doesn't care as long as he doesn't have to move stuff. Did I mention, I was also looking for a bedroom set? Hello Christmas present! I need one, though. Haven't had a new bed since I was a little kid! Stupid hand-me downs. But honestly, I'll take a mattress on the flower if I have to. Sad, but true. I'm not too hard to please.

Meagan and I had this discussion about dishes and bathrooms. I think we'll work out just fine. We're meeting Friday at like 3 to look at some apartments...eep!

Friday-Lunch, when I always update

Hello readers. I think it's safe to say readers now, since Kayla and Alex have both admitted to being so bored that they come read my blog. So, yes, Hello readerS.

This week has been a doozy. Emotional rollarcoastering has been my game, Moody has been my name. Its like I go from being so mad that I could punch a wall (which would be very immature and nonbeneficial to me) to being so crazy and tickled pink at the fact of having such a wonderful boyfriend and friends. Hey, I'm a girl and it's my right to be that way, right? No. I'm really ready to be calm again. Although, with Alex, one mood never lasts very long. I'm beginning to think it's his personal goal to to make mad as heck atleast twice a day. Men.

I'm going to Colorado in December! I can't wait to see my bestie Tiffanie Marie AKA Pookie. I'll get to see snow, build a snow-family, make a snow-angel, and go snow tubing. I didn't think people actually did that. Like, I thought it was a movie thing. But HOW EXCITING! I'm pretty dazzled by the idea of snow. And lots of it. December needs to hurry up!

I'm always going to get my mother's bow restrung and learn how to shoot a deer with a bow and arrow. Lord help me and all the trees in the woods, because I'm more likely to hit them than the deer. But, let's quit the downing myself.

I got payed today! So it's pay day, a Friday, and I get to see my baby. Or...I better. Or it's gonna be WWIII up in here.

I have to make fun of Ole Miss at this moment. So, in closing, HIDE YO KIDS. HIDE YO WIFE. HIDE YOU PICNIC BASKET! haha Black Bears. Congrats Ole Miss.

Chelsea Leann

Alex Meets Weir and Kayla's 21st

Sorry for the depressingly deep blog Friday night. Saturday night, Alex drove down to Weir to meet some of the people I grew up with at the McKnight's Septoberfest. He was very tired, and we ended up leaving rather early. I didn't mind, though, because I kind of wanted some alone time. I'd missed him very much over the past week. I don't know what he thought of my friends, but I figure he doesn't have much of an opinion. Justin was there with a girl I used to idolize when I was in kindergarten. I gave him heck about it, just because she is atleast eight years older than us and she made me feel like an ugly little five year old all over again. I can't hate on him too much though, because if not for him, I'd never have met my Alex. It's amazing how someone can do you so wrong but you can still be friends with them, because of one good deed. Alex thinks I still have feelings for him. I guess he'll never know how wrong he is, but thats his problem to deal with. I know how I feel and who I feel it for and thats that.

Alex can be one of the most wonderful guys in the world when he wants to be. When he's grumpy, it makes me grumpy or sad. When he's happy, I'm usually happy unless he's teasing me. He makes my blood boil and my temper rise, but I love every moment I spend with him and wouldn't exchange a second for anything. Not every day is a good day, but every day is a new day, right? I wish I could fully explain the effect Alex has on me. He makes me feel safe, cared for, and able to do anything. I've never felt so beautiful or special as I have in the past few months. I trust him-although sometimes, my fears get the best of me. Alex is a great guy, and it wouldn't surprise me if I found out girls were after him. I'm a jealous girl. I try not to be. But I look back at what my trusting and naive way has gotten me, and I can't help but be a little suspicious when things seem to go a little too well. I don't know what to do about it, but I guess I'll get over it with time. Everytime I get caught up in the memories...oh well.

Today was Kayla's 21st birthday. She's probably the person today in the WORLD that turned 21 and didn't take a sip of alcohol.  Freak...just kidding. She's the better me I guess. But I kidnapped, blindfolded, and took her to Red Lobster in Tupelo. We had such a great time! After Red Lobster, we went to the mall. I got some of those cute, currently in fashion, brown Fall boots everyone's tucking their jeans into, a friendship bracelet with arrows on it, and a fake engagement ring. You guys may laugh over the last purchase, but if you're a single girl, who is even slightly pretty, you understand. I don't want to be engaged right now, and I am quite content just being a girlfriend. In fact, I think I'll be ok with that for awhile. But, unfortunately, there is no outward sign that I have a boyfriend, and that seems to give guys the idea that they can talk to you, and quite frankly, bug the crap out of you. Now, I'm not fighting off guys all day, every day. I'm not THAT pretty, interesting, or charming by far. But every once in a while when I dress up and go out with my girls, or walk across campus on a good day, there's that one cocky frat guy who wants to holla at you. And even when you step back, and say, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend. ", it doesn't seem to matter. So, now I have a fake engagement ring that screams "TAKEN! LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!". I used to have another one, but I lost it when I moved back to Weir. Truly unfortunate, because it was a really sparkly, pretty ring.

I finally got home around five, and my parents were home from Tennessee! I was so glad to see them, because I had missed them sooooo much. They bought me an angel necklace. I used to be obsessed with angels when I was a little girl. I had every figurine and painting you could imagine. I guess momma didn't mind all that much, because, when it wasn't Christmas, she could just put the angel stuff in my room. And, wouldn't you know, I became a Pi Phi Angel. Hail Mississippi Gamma! Anyway, they're back, I'm back. I'm tired and happy and cannot wait to see what this week brings.

Chelsea Leann

So you had a bad day...

Today was one of the days that I wished Alex could have been with me. It was just a bad day, full of tiresome work, disappointments, a little heartbreak, and a little agitation.

I lay here and wonder about my future. Marriage, children, jobs, homes...I've been in dreamland lately. I am always in a dreamland. When I hit reality, I get grumpy and convince myself to go back to ignoring it. Emotions---are they real? We can't touch them, they're uncontrollable, and not consistent. Maybe emotions are just excuses for the things we do.

It's amazing the stock we put on words to express our emotions. Dislike, hate, care, love, like...but if you ask someone to define them clearly, to draw a line between each one, it will never turn out the same. I've told guys I love them before. I've never said it to gain something or to trick them. I honestly believed I felt it. That extreme feeling of where you can't live without that person, the thought of it hurts, they're the reason you smile, dream, and try. For me, love is where you'd gladly throw yourself in front of a bullet to save them. Not because they'd do the same for you, but because a world without them is not a good world. Throughout the  years, I've added to that definition, and I believe I'm getting close. Or maybe they are just many different stages of love. I hate how guys can talk about marriage and forever and be so convincing, but not fully realise what they're doing to a girl. the hopes and dreams and fantasies they're creating just by saying the word "marriage". It's not fair. I hate how guys pull you in with sweet words describing how they feel and think about you, but after awhile, you wonder if it was true or if they were just trying to get you. Is it all a game?

Alex is asleep and would probably get aggravated if I tried to talk to him about all of this. Kayla's probably asleep by now, too, and I don't want to bring any new worries to her already stressed mind.I guess I'm just going to continue to lie in bed and ponder. How will you know when it's real? I'm genuine. I say what I feel and think. But I can't trust everyone else to be that way. At the end of the day, who can you really trust besides yourself?

CC

Friday Friday, Oh how I love thee!

It is FINALLY Friday. Can I get an AMEN? My class got cancelled, I got to work on time, got to eat lunch with Kayla, rode around with Amy, and got new tires on my Jeep. And in a few moments, I'll be on the way to get a nice car wash from Mr. Bubbles. Of course, I'll get to see Alex. Wednesday, I went and saw him and learned how to unbag plants. I also got to see a helicopter take off for the first time! It was pretty neat, and Alex's face was pretty cute. He loves helicopters, and I wish he would just take the plunge and get his flight license. I know it's not that easy, but neither is wishing you could do one thing while you do something else your whole life. I hope to have a fun weekend. I'm not sure what will happen tonight, but tomorrow I will be writing two papers for my education classes and seeing Alex later on. Sunday, I get to go to a flower show with Alex and his family. I'm pretty excited. Anyway, it's time to go!

-Chelsea Leann