Control Freak

Women. We’re a bunch of idiots, aren’t we? We can be logical, cool, and the very voice of reason when we look at a situation from the outside, but the second we’re in our own homes and our own problems, we hit the roof. I’ve been blessed with the ability to forgive and let go of grudges. I thrive on having people like me, want to talk to me, think of me. I guess you could call me an attention-lover. I believe that everyone deserves a fair chance, even a second chance, or a third chance. People change, don’t they? But with every blessing comes a curse. By liking people so easily, my life is ruled by those close to me. I cannot stand for someone to be mad at me. And when I can’t figure out why someone is ill, it brings me down. Because all I want to do is to make people happy. What’s most disappointing is when you finally accept that you can make someone happy, only to find out that sometimes it’s just not possible. You can drag yourself through hell, and some people just won’t be pleased.




Anyway, enough of ranting. Today was the first day of my JUNIOR year. It’s satisfying to say that. A lot of people don’t make it this far. No matter if I’m sure there are over 5,000 Juniors at Mississippi State alone, I’m thinking on worldly terms here. One more year of classes. Then, I’m doing block for a semester. Then, I’m onto student teaching. Even though I’m not quite sure if teaching is what I’m going to do with my life, it’s solid- it’s something that I can control. That’s why I like school so much. Everything you have to do is written on paper. If you do what you’re told and your best, 90% of the time, you’ll walk away with a degree. The other 10% I won’t even think about it. I don’t like being out of control. I didn’t even get to register for my classes until yesterday. I was having chest pains and nightmares for the past few weeks, stressing over everything.

I’m not sure why I’m blabbing. I’m just upset and agitated, a little lost. I can’t control how I feel, I can’t slow it down. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I feel stupid. When you care too much, you lose control of yourself. You have to depend on someone else. And then what happens to you when they aren’t dependable? When you don’t make them happy, how can they make you happy, when your happiness depends on theirs? I can’t control everything. I can just control myself. I hope.

But today went well as far as classes go. I made my mom and dad smile, too. So I guess the day is not totally wasted. I just need to cheer the heck up.

Chelsea Leann