Flashback Attack and the Countdown to Six Months.

Well, many of you know that this time last year, I was on the edge of losing my mind, my heart and self-confidence strewn between Kosciusko and Starkville, and my carefully controlled world slipping through my fingers. I was in the hospital after weeks of panic attacks, my grades were dropping, and I was moving out of my house. And now, I sit before you today, a completely different person. On the inside atleast.

On the outside, I'm funny, clumsy, hyper, and ready for whatever you got. On the inside, I think it's safe to say that I'm healed and over it, but I don't think I'll ever be as open and naive as I was. The dreamer's still there inside of me, but there's also the realist standing by with a rubber mallot ready to beat the dreams down. I guess it's a good thing. Because even though it was great to go through life with my heart on my sleeve, confident in my future, a total ray of sunshine...it wasn't all that great when it stopped. Now, even though I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm a mostly a piece of sunshine....well I'm not always confident of my future. I try to control it....but I'll never get that control, will I?

Alex said something to me a few months ago about me not being over Justin. Of course, my friends, family, and I know that he's wrong wrong wrong if he means that I still have feelings for him. Because I would never go back to Justin or even see Justin in that light again. There are some things that cannot be undone or forgotten, and even though I've forgiven him, the things that I've read and seen will always be there in the back of my mind. However, I've been thinking. And I guess I've decided that it will be a long time before I get over what happened, what was done, and the affect it had on me. I don't trust as easily. I have paranoid fears. I will not be able to fully give myself, heart and soul, to anyone. I can love someone. That's just part of me. But to love someone so completely that I become blind and fooled? Never again. I will probably never fully enjoy a December again...half was spent in depression and confusion....the other half was spent trying to build another relationship with another guy who would ultimately get bored with me and change his mind a million times.

 

As for Alex and I....well yesterday was 5 months. To the unknowlegable reader, 5 months isn't really that big of a deal. Well, for me, it is. Because this is when things usually start falling apart for me. This is when the irrational arguing and fears start, the walls come back up, the confusion and mistrust explodes. Not just in me---the other person in the relationship had his fair share. So for the next month, I'll probably be walking on egg shells and holding my breathe. Do I think I'll make it to the 6 months and beyond? Yes, I do. How can I say that and still not be totally confident? Well, as I've said before, I've learned not to be confident in other people, because some times they just wake up and change their minds. Do I think Alex will do this? Heck no. He doesn't love me (yet), but I know he cares for me a great deal and won't leave me. This relationship is not the kind that sweeps you off of your feet and makes you feel like you're in a dream. Nope. It's the realest, most solid thing I've ever had.

If I don't get to see him on the weekend, I will be upset. But I will be okay. I can tell him I'm upset, and he can upset back with me. But it's ok. Because we're not going to break up over a small fight. Or even a big fight. I don't have to live in total fear of him dumping me because I state my opinion. Goodness, that is so nice. And that's how it should be. I can't believe I ever was in a relationship where I had to do that. But it's always looking back when we realise these things right?

He calls me because he misses my voice. He talks to me throughout the day. He cuddles with me as we watch a war movie (bleh on war movies!). He pays for my meals. He comes and sees me. He makes me feel beautiful. He accepts that I'm goofy and emotional. He likes ME. The only thing he doesn't do that I wish he would is write on my facebook wall...and that's a little juvenile...I guess.

I get unreasonably jealous at the girls he adds on facebook. They're always skinny and pretty, and as you all know, I'm not skinny. I'm pretty though. On my good days. And he just laughs and says, "And I'm in a relationship on facebook with CHELSEA COLLINS for everyone to see." And you know what? You're dang right he is!

He hasn't met my extended family or my close friends. Only Morgan and some schoolmates. But there's time for that and now that I'm living in Starkville, the oppurtunities will present themselves. I don't know why I'm blabbing on and on. I guess I just needed to vent. Have I mentioned I hate December? Wellllll, I'm off to Colorado in a few days to make some GOOD memories with Tiffanie. And here's the crazy part...

I'm going to miss Alex like crazy. I know that every second I'm in Denver, I will be thinking of him and wondering if he's thinking about me. I like this relationship. A lot. Wish me luck for the next month and beyond! Cause after six months, I'm not really going to know what to expect.

Off to study!!!

Chelsea Leann