see-saw or a boomerang: still just a toy

Well, hey there readers who are reading this post for no particular reason. Why are you reading this by the way? Well...read on, oh bright futures of tomorrow.

We need a bright today, so hurry yourselves up.

I apologize for the randomness of the above statement. I've been studying for compos. In the last twenty four hours, I have a read a book (Reagan: The Hollywood Years), whichA was quite good and very insightful (who knew Reagan had that much sex with that many people?!), created 42 note cards on theorists, theories, blahisms, and Americans with Disabilities' Act's programs (504 and IDEA to be precise), created a webquest on the topic of "What if the United States was Spanish?" (don't ask), driven about four hours, and and and and and.....

This really isn't the time to lose my mind, America. I need to be focused. I need to be studying. Comprehensive exams are in twelve hours and fourteen minutes. WHY ARE YOU WRITING A BLOG, LEANN, WHEN YOU'VE GOT TO STUDY?

Yep. That's what he would say. I assume y'all know who he is. He is the he that has been most prevalent in my blog posts. Anyway.

Thad Cochran won the Republican Primary Run-Off election last night by a super close vote. I'm talking 49.4-50.6 or somewhere around that magical number. These kind of elections worry me because it means that he didn't WIN. Half the voters didn't want the incumbent to return. Rumor has it that several democrats came out and voted for this Republican Primary. Now, how in the world does that make sense? Democrats elected a Republican in a Republican Primary Race that had nothing to do with them, due to the fact that they're going to vote for the democrat (supposedly, if he's a good man) in November?

I might just vote for the other guy, whoever he may be, if he doesn't sling dirt. Honestly, the Mississippi River is flooding from all the dirt that's been thrown around between McDaniel and Cochran. Well, supposedly it's from the rain, but I'm going to blame them. Have y'all seen those commercials? How could you not? All that they could be fixing in the government, state, and country, and they're too busy wasting money creating commercials bashing one another. It's wasteful spending.

Oh wait...they're politicians, and this is the government. Wasteful spending it is! Y'all need to go listen to "The Speech" by Reagan, replace communism with terrorism, and boom. You have our world right now. Big. Government. Never. Works. I feel as an American, I can make my own decisions. My own decisions about healthcare, education, and guns. Nobody trusts the government; we are overtaxed, our leader doesn't seem that competent anymore (but who would after six years of failing and lying to the American people), and people are grumbling more than supporting. I keep looking for a  printing press release about a rebellion, but maybe the South is just a wee bit sensitive about the rebellion rebellion part of the rebellion. Plus, it's summer time. No one wants to do anything in the summer but vacation.

I've been thinking of getting my doctorate. I just don't know. I'm not married, and I do not have kids. Single life means free time, and I might as well spend money on my education.



A fool I am. A fool indeed.

Chellabelle

I'm So Fancy

I must first comment on the title of my post. "I'm So Fancy" is in honor/horror/enjoyment of the song by Iggy. That's right I-G-G-Y, as she spells it out in the song. I do not know why I have such an obsession with this song, only that it makes me happy and makes me want to do a hair-flip, made famous by THE Meagan Jones, and dance...with no one watching, because of course I can't dance. Now, onto the update.

The last time I updated was at the end of January. Do y'all know how much can change in five months? Let's see....

I interviewed for multiple teaching positions around the state.
I got a new tattoo.
I resigned from my job at CCJH as teacher and cheer sponsor.
I accepted as position at Bay St. Louis-Waveland's Alternative School.
I sold my house.
I traded in my SUV on a car.
I moved into the cutest one bedroom apartment in Long Beach.
I added the "Tinder" app to my phone.
I considered deleting the "Tinder" app.
My hair grew....a little.
I got a lot tanner from living two football fields away from a beach.
I went on a couple of dates.
I learned what regret was.
I downloaded Vine.
I wrote a song!!!
I met new friends that are probably the craziest, most real people out there.
I tried guacamole and pepper jelly/cream cheese (though not those two together).

These things didn't necessarily happen in that order. But they were all pretty exciting. So, now to discuss.

I started getting interviews for teaching positions on the coast in April. Two schools just didn't feel right, one school wanted me but didn't have any openings, and one school was a good fit and new opportunity. Hello, Bay St. Louis! I will be teaching at the alternative school, 5th-12th grade language arts and social studies! I am very excited, although very nervous.

In March, I got another tattoo on my right wrist of an arrow. You see, I'm an arrow fanatic, being a Pi Phi Angel and all, but I saw a quote. It said, "Arrows use what holds them back to propel themselves forward, never looking back." So, I decided that I wanted an arrow tattoo to remind myself to stop looking back and letting everyone else hold me back. I'll have to post a picture later.

Since I'm wrapping up my master's in August, I had to take a history course in Meridian every Tuesday. So, in order to save money on gas and get a lower payment to afford the hike in cost of living, I traded the RAV4 in for a Camry. The Camry is still a Toyota, but I do miss my RAV4 on occasion. However, I do feel like a race car driver in that car! Sports Edition! What What.

My little, one bedroom apartment is perfect. Millie loves it. I had to leave Paisley behind at my parents' house due to her uncanny ability to relieve herself on any and all carpet. I miss her terribly, but I get to visit her whenever I want. Oscar now has a girlfriend that drives him crazy. Being so close to the beach and a pool has not move the shade of my skin a few shades towards "golden goddess". I love summer. I met the craziest group of people down here, and they're very musical. I was just going to the gym and got sidetracked by them one night at the pool. They were just sitting in front of the outdoor fireplace, playing guitars and a box drum. I don't think I've been this happy in a place since then. It's nice not having to look over my shoulder wondering who's watching me and reporting back to everyone else.

Now onto the dating thing. In a few days, I will have been single for a year. There are still sad days, although they have greatly minimized since last year. I have accepted that it's in the past and that it's okay to move on. I went on a few dates with different guys, all very different from one another. I just haven't quite found the right fit for me yet. I will have to rant on this in a moment. However, it is time to talk about the app: TINDER.

Tinder is a very popular dating app that is based off of social media sites. It has gained popularity mainly for being a hook up app. I did not know this when I downloaded the app. In fact, Lara Bowman talked me into downloading the app because we wanted to see who around us was on the app. The gist of this app is this: You are presented with a picture, a first name, and an age within your chosen area and age range. If you like what you see, you swipe right. If you're not interested, you swipe left. Now, if you swipe right on someone who swipes right on you, also, it's a "match". Matched Tinder-users can then chat with one another and go on dates. Of course, some people simple match and say, "Hey, you wanna hook up." So far, my replies have been, "Hey, you wanna watch my floss my teeth?" and "While I am sure the event would be very pleasurable and memorable, I am not currently available for such activities and have to decline at this time. I am a respectable female who does not wish to become impregnated or infected by a well-known person, much less a stranger. Thank you for the offer; good luck with your endeavors." I've actually had some pretty awesome replies to that. One guy asked if I could write a paper for him for money. It was tempting, but I was afraid he was just trying to get me to see him, so I declined.  I have met two people off of Tinder, and they have been pretty normal, if not a little odd. Dating is a lost art, my friends. These guys want the physical, and they want it right now. And here I am, wanting the date, without the physical, or even the promise of the future of physical, and I'm not sure that's going to happen.

So here's my rant about dating and being 23 and not being married and blah, blah, blah.

Why is it that that's the first thing people ask you when they see you? "Oh, are you married yet?" Do you see a ring on my finger? Have you not seen my facebook lately? Is this the ultimate goal for someone of such a tender age of 23? Is that my life goal? (I mean, of course it used to be, but things change in heartbreak). Why not "Have you graduated from college yet?" or "Are you working anywhere"? No, as a woman, I am asked "Are you married yet" and "Do you have any children". Then, when in denial, do you want to know what these sweet, kind folks do?

They bring up the worst topic ever.

"Oh dear. I just knew you and that Alex boy were going to get married. Y'all looked so happy. Y'all dated for a while didn't you?". While the internal screaming and throwing of platters (yes platters) goes on in my mind, I have to just sweetly say, "Yes. Yes, we did. However, sometimes things just don't work out."

It's like they've forgotten how much it sucks to be reminded of a failed relationship. *hand to forehead* I almost lost it one day when a woman said, "Well, maybe he'll give you another shot one day."

You've got to be kidding me.

So, people don't want to know that by the age of 23, I had a car, a house, a job, health, life, eye, dental, cancer, and disability insurance, a cat, a dog, was working on master's degree (with a 4.0 I might add), and was also working a second job as a temp at the local bbq place. Nope. Since I have breasts and a place to carry a baby, the only question is "Are you married yet?". My parents need to reset me, because somewhere along the line, my goals got squelched and turned. And people just reply, "Well, that's good, but are you married yet?" Where are you, o future husband of mine, who wilst feed me and supporteth me with thine own maleness and insurmountable success?

So, now I'm dating, trying to find Mr. Right all over again, however with much skepticism and a flair of "I don't really care" and a streak of independence....anyone want to come reset me to the skipping on sunflowers and daisies, painting rainbows, and chasing butterflies Chelsea Leann Collins I was four years ago? But, y'all...she was so silly and naive.

Okay, rant over.

T-Man

Love my Travis!

TATTOO

On the political front, there are rarely any great choices. Just that of the lesser evil. Or maybe that's life. Sigh.

Over and out, readers o' mine.

Chellabelle

P.s. I have strep throat. It hurts.

Trickling Thoughts

I'm thinking of moving to the Alabama or Florida coast. They need teachers everywhere, right?

So much talk has been going around about the "need for a teacher pay raise". I started out as a teacher here in Mississippi making around $31,000. As a new college graduate, I thought that was a fabulous. After living off of my parents and student loans for six months since I had been student teaching, any amount of money above minimum wage sounded awesome. However, after two years of teaching, I'm realizing that that's just not enough. I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. I wouldn't be doing that without the help of student loans for graduate school. That's ridiculous.

Did you know that on the Alabama coast, the starting pay for someone with zero experience and a B.S. degree is $37,000? According the Alabama Department of Education website, with my master's degree, I could be making around $40,000 right now, which is about $7,000 more than I make now. It doesn't matter where I go or what I teach, the students are going to be the same. Why not go somewhere where I can make more money? No, it's not just about the money; however, the money doesn't hurt.

To the people who say, "You get the summer off!" and "You don't do anything all day!", please, oh, please come join me in my classroom for a week. Actually, don't. That'd be inappropriate and disruptive to my classroom, and my students need all the time they can get to focus and complete the lessons. I'm busy. I'm busy from 6:30 AM to 10:00 PM. I get phone calls ranging from praising to angry at the oddest hours. I grade assignments and cry over the failures. I spend extra time coming up with new ways to teach old material to the students who fail. When they still fail, I spend the other free time filling out paper work for the students who fail so that I can prove that I did everything I could and am not to blame for their failures; however, in the end, I still take personal responsibility for the failures and beat myself up about it. I care. I care a lot. Even when I don't want to care, I just keep on caring. I became a teacher because I care. I care about kids, their futures, their correct usage of the English language, their ability to write, read, analyze, and argue, and their dreams. I care about their self-esteem, their days, their fears, and the fact that the sucker they ate at break turned their lips blue. When I do have time for my friends and family, it is spent praising or ranting about school. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that are willing to listen. Most of them are teachers any way. When I am not teaching, planning, or thinking about school, I'm sitting in a grad class or on my couch working on grad school homework. Am I getting my master's degree to become a better teacher? Partially. However, what really motivated me was the money. I had this plan:

Teacher for six months. Begin my master's. Finish my master's within two and a half years. Begin National Boards. Finish National Boards within a year.

That plan was great. I mean, I had to teach for three years before I was allowed to go for my National Boards, so finishing my master's in that time worked well. That was until it was decided that National Boards would take three years instead of one. Guys, I could have my Ph.D. by then. Do I want my doctorate? No. I want to stay in the classroom and work with kids. However, if I am going to spend three years working on something to become a better teacher and for higher pay, why not go for the highest degree? All to receive a salary that I could actually get right now in Alabama.

Hey, I'm a teacher who just finished her second year. I love my job and my kids. I love their random questions and stories, even when they don't make any sense. My seventh graders drive me insane, but they are my world.

Some people say that I just need to budget better. The biggest bill I pay is my car note. Excuse me for graduating college and feeling like I deserve a car. I bought a house because the payments were cheaper than any rent around here. I have an iPhone. Could I get a different phone with a cheaper plan? Not if you expect me to check and reply to my emails, text messages, and phone calls throughout the day, not even thinking about posting/checking grades when you see me Dollar General and want to know how Bobby did on his test. After paying for my car, house, cellphone, water, electricity, gas, and solid waste, I barely have enough for gas and food. I make it though. I'm still eating like a college kid: soup (because ramen noodles have way to many carbs and calories), water, apples, and poptarts. Peanut Butter and Jelly out of a Goober's jar when I'm feeling fancy. I may buy an outfit every once and awhile or go out with friends after a long, hard week. I'm your average young, American twenty-year old girl.

I made the effort to go through college and make good grades in three and a half years in my home state. I work hard in my home state. I pay my bills and taxes in my home state. Why does my home state balk at paying me what I'm worth?

Here's a warning, Mississippi. Soon, the teachers who can retire, will. The new, young teachers who are full of spirit and hope will leave to find better lives and options. You will be left with some good teachers, some terrible teachers, and some just mediocre teachers. You get what you pay for.

I'm going to continue to teach to the best of my ability. Like I said, I love my kids, my community, and my home state. Alabama's coast is looking pretty good, though. Pretty good, indeed.

Excuse any mistakes in this blog. I have a stress migraine and don't feel like editing at the moment.

Yours,
Chelsea

16,761, 600

I'm sure you're wondering what that number hanging over the top of this post signifies. According to convertunits.com, it is the approximate amount of seconds that has passed since the split. A lot can happen in 16, 761, 600 seconds, or 194 days...or heck, let's just call it six months!

I don't know when it happened or what caused it. Was it on a smoky dance floor, surrounded by friends and strangers, teaching some gangly cowboy how to do "the ratchet" as my friends looked on with laughter on their faces? Was it the the sun beating on my shoulders, Malibu on my lips, sand between my toes, and waves crashing in the background? Could it have been a stranger offering to buy me coffee at the 929? Was it losing my temper, letting the wind rock me in my hammock, long, late night conversation with Meagan, Amy getting engaged (whooop, whooop!), or my mother's relentless efforts to hook me up with her physical therapist? A part of it could be spending Christmas Eve ice skating with Meagan and being happy, even though it was the first Christmas Eve in four years that you haven't attended with the guy you thought you were going to marry.  It could have been day after day, week after week, month after month, of seeing important questions going ignored and waiting by a window for a boy who'd never show. It most likely was going to a New Year's Eve party and seeing a friend get engaged and other friends with their husbands, fiances, and boyfriends.

Close your eyes. Imagine brick walls, wooden floor, club/cafe lighting. Long tables along the wall, chairs pulled close around, some in circles, a band in the background with a barefooted wild child singing with a tambourine. A newly engaged couple dancing on the floor, the girl's head thrown back in laughter with her eyes closed as her fiance spins her around, eyes focused on her, only her, as if she is his lifeline. The girl who usually seems so independent is toasting the New Year and kissing her husband while sitting in his lap with while he pulls her close. Another friend is in the shadows, laughing with a new guy with an easy smile as he flirts with her. Other strangers twirl around the dance floor, kiss, toast, hug; everyone is celebrating this new year, bright with opportunities and a chance to let go. The person you've been holding on to isn't beside you; they didn't care whether you wanted them there or not. As you observe all of the people around you, you make eye contact with someone. They smile.
Hope. Letting go. Moving on. Deciding. Breathing. Dreaming.
Butterflies.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy from here on out. I'm not saying I met my soul mate and was whisked off into the sunset, because I wasn't. This wasn't because of some boy or angry fight. It was all because of love.
They say you don't know what you have until you let it go. I'm saying, you don't know what you were missing until it's staring you in the face. There's nothing wrong with seeing how a guy treats his girl and wanting your guy to treat you like that. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone who holds your hand, wants to come with you (no matter where you want to go), and makes you feel special every day, no matter how long you've been together.
No...there's nothing wrong with that.

So, here's to the new year! A year of blog posts, laughter, new experiences, random adventures, and, if the Lord sees fit....love.

See ya next time kiddos,
Chelsea Leann

For your viewing pleasure, some snaps from the past 16, 761, 600 seconds.

Taylor Swift Concert-September 2013

Holding week old Travis-August 2013 

Beach Vacation-July 2013

23rd Birthday with Kayla!-July 2013

Cheer Camp-July 2013

Christmas Eve, Ice Skating in Madison with Meagan-December 2013

 Beach Vacation-July 2013

Homecoming Week, Nerd vs. Jock Day with friend and fellow English teacher, Jonathan Walker-October 2013

Taylor Swift, Nashville with Hannah, Meagan, and Amy-September 2013

Neshoba County Fair with Meagan-July 2013

Egg Bowl with Meagan-November 2013

A night out at The Burgundy Room on Main with Shane=November 2013

Hunting on New Years Day-January 1, 2014

What do you do?

This is probably going to be a sad post. If you're not interested in sad posts, then this is your moment to click that nifty little x at the top right of your screen.

The title of this post is "broken". I believe that broken pretty much sums up most of what I am. My mind is broken...my heart is broken...my attitude is broken. And I dislike being broken very much.

You see, what happened was Alex (oh you know, that guy that I've been with since July 4, 2010)) lost his mind. Okay, maybe he didn't lose it, but a lot of negative stuff took place and a lot of pressure was put on his shoulders. And instead of letting me help, he held it in....and then things just fell a part.

What do you do when someone tells you that they're not happy anymore?
What do you do when the person whom you love more than anything tells you that it's not fun anymore?
What do you do when all you do is make that person angry, even when you're just trying to make them happy?
What do you do when the person you live to talk to, to see, to touch, doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't want to see you, and doesn't want to touch you?
What do you when that person's answers to the questions above are multiple forms of frustrated "I don't knows"?
What do you do?

Two years, 11 months, 2 weeks, 6 days. 1,088 days.

Do you throw it away? Do you sink your teeth even deeper into a struggling relationships neck and hold on for dear life, knowing you might be left hungry when your prey get away? Do you give up? Do you complain to your friends and family about how he's tearing you apart? Do you plaster a fake smile on your face and tell your family and friends that everything is okay?

What do you do?

I chose to walk away. I put his things in a Walmart bag, cried my eyes out on the way to Philadelphia, prayed to God that we could talk through this, and when he looked at me as if he hated me more than anything, I ended it. I don't know if he knows what his facial expression looked like. I told him that if he asked me to stay, I would. But he let me walk out. No word. No tears. Just an angry man sitting cross legged on his bed with a lap top in his lap. That's when I broke.

If someone truly loves you, how could they let you walk away? How could they not even attempt to stop you? In the end, the resounding statement was "I don't know". And I still don't.

I've tried to stay busy. I've started hanging out with some new people; they make me smile and laugh. But the  hole in my heart is still there. They know it's there. They know  by the way I can't focus, the way I'm constantly needing something to do...the way I go from smiling and laughing to far away. I feel sad that they have to go through that with me. I know I'm not the funnest person in the world.

So, even though it's only be a week and a half since the day that we broke up, I'm still faced with a question: do I hang on or let go and move on?

What do you do?

Hello, Autumn!

I haven't updated since my two year anniversary mark. Oops! So, here's an update of everything that has happened since then.

1. I bought a house! It's a two bedroom, one bath house with hardwood floors, an open dining room and living room, and small kitchen. It's adorable and a perfect "starter" house. I moved in at the end of June and was finally able to sign papers two Fridays ago. I almost feel like an adult :) I am busy picking out colors for my house. The previous owners have it painted the typical "rental house" colors. You know, khaki, greenish brown, green. And normally, those colors would be fine. However, after living in rentals for the past fourish years, I want to color my house and make it mine. The color palette I'm going for is grey/yellow, and other soothing colors. Since my living room and dining room are open, but still separated by an arch, so I want to paint them contrasting colors. I have maroon/brown leather couches, so I chose grey with white trim. For my dining room and kitchen, I chose a light yellow. Here are some example of how the colors work together. These aren't my shade choices, but this should give y'all a good example.

For the bedrooms, I'm thinking of painting one a very neutral color. No one is staying in it, so I don't really have any preferences. For my bedroom, I like the color silver leaf by olympic paint. It's a soothing, sea-green shade. My bathroom is going to be a misty color, very close the mint color that has been so popular this summer. 

After I finish getting my house painted on the inside, we're going to do the outside! I've decided for the outside to be a soft, light yellow, with white trim. My front porch walking boards will be a soft grey. My door will pop with red.I'm so excited! Here's some examples:

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited about my house!

2. My school year is going great. I am still teaching 7th grade Language Arts to, once again, 78 wonderful students. They're very inspiring and hilarious. I am also in grad school (finally)! I'm only taking two classes, which I like most days. One is really stressing me out though, because the professor is not all that specific.

I'd love to update more, but I have to head to Philly to see that handsome boy, Alex.

Enjoy!

Chelsea Collins

1+1=731

It is 11:52 on July 3, 2012. In 8 minutes, it will be my two year anniversary with Alex Deason. Oh my.

It still amazes me how much I love him and am loved by him. I really couldn't get rid of that boy if I wanted to, and I find that I depend on him more than I previously thought I did. I was trying to think over my favorite memory from the past year together, and I can't exactly pinpoint one. There was my birthday, the Haunted House, Christmas, Easter, and others. We've had our ups and our downs, but we've made it yet another year. I find myself thinking about what I love most about him. So, here's a list for my nonexistent readers...and maybe a reminder for when we have another "down" moment.

1. I love the way his beard rubs against my face when he hugs me.
2. I love the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles and laughs.
3. I love the way he ends our arguments with I love you and never want to lose you.
4. It's amazing how he listens to my go on and on about anything and everything...even though I'm not sure if he is really listening.
5. My favorite thing is how he talks about the future. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
6. He makes me laugh when he tries to avoid a subject or get out of a situation. Maybe not at the moment, but it never fails to amuse me after.
7. He loves our kitten, Millie.
8. I love how I can trust him, completely.
9. I love how I can't picture my life without him.
10. Finally......how he's stayed around for two years as of right now.

Here's some pictures from the past year to remember :)

                                                

  

 I hope everyone has a wonderful July 4. As for me, I'm going to bed so that I'm well rested for my adventure with Alex tomorrow! I will update soon!

Love,
Chelsea Leann