What do you do?

This is probably going to be a sad post. If you're not interested in sad posts, then this is your moment to click that nifty little x at the top right of your screen.

The title of this post is "broken". I believe that broken pretty much sums up most of what I am. My mind is broken...my heart is broken...my attitude is broken. And I dislike being broken very much.

You see, what happened was Alex (oh you know, that guy that I've been with since July 4, 2010)) lost his mind. Okay, maybe he didn't lose it, but a lot of negative stuff took place and a lot of pressure was put on his shoulders. And instead of letting me help, he held it in....and then things just fell a part.

What do you do when someone tells you that they're not happy anymore?
What do you do when the person whom you love more than anything tells you that it's not fun anymore?
What do you do when all you do is make that person angry, even when you're just trying to make them happy?
What do you do when the person you live to talk to, to see, to touch, doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't want to see you, and doesn't want to touch you?
What do you when that person's answers to the questions above are multiple forms of frustrated "I don't knows"?
What do you do?

Two years, 11 months, 2 weeks, 6 days. 1,088 days.

Do you throw it away? Do you sink your teeth even deeper into a struggling relationships neck and hold on for dear life, knowing you might be left hungry when your prey get away? Do you give up? Do you complain to your friends and family about how he's tearing you apart? Do you plaster a fake smile on your face and tell your family and friends that everything is okay?

What do you do?

I chose to walk away. I put his things in a Walmart bag, cried my eyes out on the way to Philadelphia, prayed to God that we could talk through this, and when he looked at me as if he hated me more than anything, I ended it. I don't know if he knows what his facial expression looked like. I told him that if he asked me to stay, I would. But he let me walk out. No word. No tears. Just an angry man sitting cross legged on his bed with a lap top in his lap. That's when I broke.

If someone truly loves you, how could they let you walk away? How could they not even attempt to stop you? In the end, the resounding statement was "I don't know". And I still don't.

I've tried to stay busy. I've started hanging out with some new people; they make me smile and laugh. But the  hole in my heart is still there. They know it's there. They know  by the way I can't focus, the way I'm constantly needing something to do...the way I go from smiling and laughing to far away. I feel sad that they have to go through that with me. I know I'm not the funnest person in the world.

So, even though it's only be a week and a half since the day that we broke up, I'm still faced with a question: do I hang on or let go and move on?

What do you do?